


The Fellowship of the PC

by TwitchyDrugAddict



Category: South Park
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Explicit Language, F/M, M/M, South Park: The Stick of Truth, Tags Are Hard, its south park though so thats a given
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-05-31 10:10:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19423837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwitchyDrugAddict/pseuds/TwitchyDrugAddict
Summary: In the far away mystical land of Denver, CO, the last Super Neon Green Tri-Fold-Monitor Gaming PC sits waiting on a shelf for a chosen hero to claim it. When the paladin Butters finds out there's only one left in the entire state and brings the news to the great wizard Cartman, one simple quest becomes an all-out war between clans as Stan And The Gang goes up against Craig And Those Guys to see who will be the first to get to Denver and get the final PC.





	1. Prologue

**All characters and events in this fic-- even those based on real people-- are entirely fictional. All characters portrayed in this fic are written… poorly. The following fic contains coarse language and due to it’s content should not be read by anyone.**

_Long ago, legends foretold of a legendary PC. One to far surpasses any of its previous generations. A PC greater than any PC before it. A machine of blissful wonder._

_The legends (and commercials) told of such a blessed treasure._

_A monolith full tower with three monitors built in…_

_A touchpad and a mouse..._

_Six-core processor…_

_16 GB of RAM…_

_A solid-state drive…_

_A light up rainbow keyboard…_

_And neon green LED rigging…_

_When the PC first hit the shelves on that fated Black Friday morning, not a single soul attending South Park High would obtain the artifact. The Junior class found themselves trapped in a special detention and lecture thanks to The Great Fatass nearly pushing a substitute teacher to suicide. Once they were finally freed to the lands, the sun was hanging low in the sky, glimmering off the blood-stained snow that surrounded the mall. Destroyed 80% Sale posters were trampled underfoot and covered the linoleum floor of the mall. When the warriors arrived at the tech store that evening there was not a single computer left for the boys. They left with just broken hearts and mourning the loss of their greatest dream. For weeks they aimlessly wandered, desperately waiting for a restock of the legendary PC, but it never came. They were sure this was the end of an era, an amazing artifact lost to the sands of time with no hope of return._

_That was until the great paladin Butters took a trip to Denver with his mother for the weekend, and that’s when he saw it._

_The last Super Neon Green Tri-Fold-Monitor Gaming PC._

_It stood longingly in the window of the great Best Buy, haloed under the lighting of the fluorescent bulbs of the electronics store. It was ready to be claimed by a deserving hero. A chosen one told of by the old gods._

_A hero… from South Park…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my friends and I are doing a Stick of Truth D&D campaign so if anything seems wildly out of left field or out of character, blame the dice that brought us here. Anyways, hope you enjoy and keep up with my wild antics and stuff on my Tumblr @TwitchyDrugAddict


	2. Hour Zero, Part One

It was a Friday night, The Gang and Those Guys were having one of their all-night FIFA tournaments in honor of the start of their winter break. Finally, they were freed from school for two weeks and the boys were looking forward to some much-needed gaming time, free from the stress of homework or extracurriculars. Outside snow fell to the ground, blanketing the freezing Colorado town in a fresh sheet of white snow, but inside, the group of teenagers settled into the warm theater room of Token’s great white mansion. Mrs. Black just delivered a tray of warm cookies from the oven, Papa John’s boxes piled up next to the tray, and the surround-sound system set up in the room was blasting the loud cheering from the digital crowds.

Craig and Stan had just completed their most recent one v. one match- with Craig proudly winning and taking a moment to rub that in Stan’s face- when Cartman’s phone started ringing from the snack table. The group chose to ignore it as the phone went off, no one willing to miss the next match as Clyde and Kyle started to max out their teams, and Cartman had assured that he made it clear to his mother not to bother him while he was out with his friends so it was probably just some automated call anyways. No one bothered to call Cartman often and the people who did were all already in the room.

The match started when the obnoxious ringtone finally settled but not even a couple of moments later, the phone rang _again_ , knocking Kyle out of focus just long enough for Clyde to score a goal. The phone went ignored once more but when Cartman’s ringtone went off a third time, distracting Kyle from the game once more, he finally had enough.

“Dude, just go and see who the fuck it is.” The ginger boy huffed as he clicked aggressively at his controller, trying to come back from his brief moment of broken concentration.

Cartman rolled his eyes and got up to go see who was incessantly calling him… it was a Facetime request from Butters. Dude was the only one who couldn’t make it out to game with them cause he left on a weekend-long trip with his mother once they were let out from school. He rejected the call, bringing his phone back over to the seat with him as he sank into the comfortable chair. But Butters called _again_. And once more after that.

Finally, Cartman accepted the Facetime request with a heavy sigh. “What the hell do you want, Butters?”

The blond boy’s face overtook the screen of Cartman’s face, the blue dyed tips of his hair falling in front of his eyes and his breath coming out in heavy puffs.

“Cartman!” He called out excitedly.

The microphone on his headphones was far too close to his mouth so as he spoke, his words sounded like they were coming through a busted White Castle intercom, causing Cartman to cringe and a couple of the boys to look over due to the harsh sound.

“Cartman, Cartman it’s here! Like here, I saw it with my own eyes! You’re not going to believe it, dude!” Butter’s words were frantic, coming out of the speaker fast as he set the phone down against a pillow while he worked to pack a couple of items into a pocket of his suitcase.

Cartman quickly grew annoyed, Butters wasn’t making any sense and he was missing out on watching everyone play by the boy’s non-stop rambling. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Butters!” Kenny’s voice interrupted, coming from behind Cartman’s chair and yanking the phone from the boy’s sausage fingers. He grinned crookedly at the camera. “Hey, buddy! How’s Denver?” His expression showed off his imperfect teeth, lip ring reflecting the light from the tv.

Butters looked up from his things when he heard Kenny’s voice, immediately shifted back over to where he had his phone propped up, but stumbling in his hurry to pick it up. “Oh uh, you know it’s fine. I-I got you some stuff! All of you actually, you wanna see?” He stammered out, frantic as he shifted his phone to dig into his suitcase and revealing the messy room behind him.

Cartman rolled his eyes and twisted himself around in his chair to snatch his phone back from Kenny’s hands. “No Butters, we don’t have time for that. What the fuck is up?” He snapped.

Butters flinched when the other’s loud voice assaulted his ears. “Oh right!” The phone shook again as the excitement returned to his small frame. “The PC! It’s here! They have one! I saw it!” His voice cracked a little as he spoke.

“...PC?” Cartman trailed off dumbly, his blue eyes narrowing in thought before the blew open wide. “Holy shit you mean The Super Neon Green Tri-Fold-Monitor Gaming PC? Holy shit dude it’s there? That’s so fucking awesome. Guys! Guys! Did you hear that?”

The excitement was enough to have Stan’s attention pulled away from the large screen. He got up from the chair beside Kyle and rushed over to Cartman’s seat. “Holy shit dude! The PC is there?!” He leaned over the back of Cartman’s seat and looked into the camera. “Where is it?”

Butters lit up more when he saw Stan. “Stan! Hey! God, I miss you guys.” He flashed a bright smile as more of the boys abandoned gaming in order to see what was going on, stepping into the frame behind Cartman. “Right, right. It’s at a Best Buy here. There is only one left though. Like, on the shelf. I saw it while my mom and I were out shopping.” He was so proud to be able to tell the group about the PC.

“Just one…” Stan thought for a moment before immediately turning to Kyle who now had the game pause, him and Clyde both turned around in their chairs to hear the conversation. “We need your mom’s van ASAP!”

“Dude, it’s like ten at night, I can’t just take the van, she’d kill me!” Kyle rolled his eyes.

Craig shared a quick look with Token and Tweek before looking over to Clyde with a specific glint in his eyes. “Just… one…” his split tongue giving him just the slightest lisp as he spoke.

Clyde smirked, already silently reaching to dig his keys out of the bottom of his pocket.

“Hey uh… guys!” Butter’s hesitantly piped up from the speaker on the phone. “It’s a pretty busy place and uh… I doubt you’ll make it here on time. If someone just wants to CashApp me I can go tomorrow morning and pick it up! You-You won't get it until I get back to South Park with my mom but it will save you guys the trip!” But his words fell on deaf ears, the boys already working themselves up over the PC.

“God Kyle don’t be such a pussy, just ask your bitch ass mom for the van! We can’t miss out on this fucking opportunity!” Cartman snapped.

Clyde got up, making his way over to stand beside Craig. “Clyde’s got his truck.” There was an edge to Craig’s voice as he spoke, looking between his friends.

“Uh, so?” Kenny cocked a brow up to Craig, sticking out his tongue.

“Yeah, so?” Stan said. “Butters called _us_ to tell us about the PC, not you guys!”

“Yeah, but we have a ride. And you don’t.”

“No! Fuck you guys!” Cartman pushed himself up from his seat, leaving his phone on the armrest of the chair as he stuck his middle finger up at Craig. “The Super Neon Green Tri-Fold-Monitor Gaming PC is our’s!”

“Look. This call from Butter’s was _ours_. And we’re going to Denver to get the PC! You guys wouldn’t even have known about it if we weren’t here!” Stan huffed.

“But we are here. And it’s a ten-hour drive to Denver, and we have a car.” Craig smirked, narrowing his mismatched eyes down at Stan. He was only an inch taller than the football player but he still held that to his advantage.

“A lot can happen in ten hours, Tucker.” Stan snarled, turning his attention to Kyle. “Call your mom and see if we can borrow the van.”

Kyle whipped out his phone, hesitant to call his mom so late and get scolded for it but also not wanting to let his friends down. His mom’s number was the first on his speed so he clicked the key and put his phone up to his ear. It rang for a couple of moments and Kyle was sure it was going to just go to voicemail.

“Hi!”

Kyle gave a short sigh of relief, grateful that his mother picked up. “Hey! I-”

“I’m not available right now! Leave a message and I’ll-”

“Fucking hell.” Kyle cursed, hanging up the phone before it got to the dial tone.

Cartman shook his head in frustration. “God damn it, Kyle, this is because your mom is such a fucking cunt, I bet-”

“Shut the hell up Cartman!” Kyle warned with a glare.

“R-Really fellas! I don’t know if even driving here is worth it!” Butters called out again. “There is only one I-I don’t know if you would even make it up here before the Best Buy opens tomorrow! It might get sold before you get here.” But again no one listened to Butters.

Kenny came over, stretching his arms up over his head to knock his shoulders back into place. “Look, this is going to end up like that stupid war from fourth grade. That Red Robin wedding.”

“Red Robin wedding…” Stan muttered. “That’s it! If you want a war, let’s have a war, Tucker!” He cried. “My _kingdom_ versus yours. A chariot race to Denver.”

“Oh bet?” Kenny grinned. He hopped up on top of the back of a theater chair, placing himself between Craig and Stan. “Are we breaking out our costumes for a good ol’ classic console war?!”

Craig rolled his eyes. “This is fucking stupid.”

“But it’s fair,” Stan said firmly.

Craig spent a moment exchanging a look between his friends. Finally, he sighed. “Fine. We meet at the top of Stark Pond at midnight. We leave for Denver at the same time. First, one to the PC wins.”

“And we do it in costume!” Kenny cheers.


	3. Hour Zero, Part Two

The gang found themselves huddled on the front porch of the Black’s pristine mansion, Token having kicked them out after the agreement so he could clean up and strategize with his friends.

“Hey uh! Can one of you go to my house and get my costume! Kenny, it’s in my memory box!” Butters chimed in, Cartman never properly hanging up with the boy in the mess of planning the event.

The other’s voice brought Cartman’s attention back to his phone and he promptly hung up without giving the other a reply. "We don't have time for that bullshit." He huffed, though Kenny had already made a mental note to at least attempt to pick up his cape and helmet.

“I just wanted to play video games.” Kyle groaned, shivering in the night air as the group started to walk back towards their neighborhood.

“Yeah, but think about all the kewl ass games we’ll get to play on the Super Neon Green Tri-Fold-Monitor Gaming PC, Kyle!” Cartman said a gleam in his eye as he thought about the famed piece of technology. For weeks he had been stuck reading reviews from the lucky people who managed to get their hands on the PC. Not a single negative thing was said about it and Cartman could not wait to finally get his hands on it.

“Suck my ass, I’m not doing this shit _in costume_.”

“You have to! We can’t let Craig win the PC and we can’t go until everyone is in costume! Just throw something together from your closet, it's not like any of us have our old costumes anymore anyways.”

Kyle rubbed his forefinger and thumb against the bridge of his nose, the evening already giving him a headache and they weren’t even on the way to Denver yet. “So how are we even getting to Denver? None of us have a car.”

“Just take the keys to your mom’s van when we get to your house to pick up your costume.” Cartman shrugged.

“Yeah, your mom literally just hangs the keys in the kitchen, it’s perfect. Just grab them on your way out!” Stan nodded, for once agreeing with one of Cartman’s plans. Anything they could do to beat Craig to Denver was a win in his eyes.

“Dude I can’t do that! She’ll literally kill me when she wakes up and sees that the keys and van are gone!” Kyle’s eyes went wide.

Cartman huffed out through his nose. “Come on man, I didn’t know Jews were such pussies.”

Kyle snarled, raising his middle finger at the other. He let out a defeated huff when Stan shot him a pleading look. “Fine, but if I get in trouble, I’m taking you down with me.” He said with a finger pointed to his friend. Stan just gave him a thumbs up, perfectly willing to take that fall if it meant beating Craig and those guys to the Best Buy.

They finally tracked their way by foot to the opposite side of town, the teenagers all standing out front of Kyle’s house shivering as the ginger boy silently snuck his way into the house. He moved silently, not wanting to risk waking up his parents or Ike. His brother wouldn’t care what he was doing but the fewer people he had to drag into this crazy scheme, the better.

Once Kyle made it up to his room, he got the door completely closed before he flipped on the light switch and made his way over to his closet. He knew Cartman would _never_ let him hear the end of this.

Inside the closet hung a spotless red robe, gold embroidery embellished the lavish fabric. The fabric cascaded from the hanger to the floor, not a single thread out of place. A long robe, very similar to the one he had worn as a kid but now it looked as if it had been made by a professional costumer. On the top shelf of his closet sat a bag of notions and a wig head that balanced an intricate wooden crown. Something that usually brought him so much pride and won him many competitions at conventions for JCL, now stood before him to humiliate him.

Maybe he could throw something else together and pretend this didn’t exist.

Kyle spent a couple of minutes hopelessly digging through his closet for something else to wear but all that laid inside were his normal clothes and a couple of Stan’s t-shirts.

“Go big or go home.” Kyle sighed to himself before pulling the robes on over his clothes. He tied a rope sash around his waist, leaving behind all the typical satchels and notions that would hang off it, in fear of losing them on the trip. And finally he reached into the back of the closet to pull out the tall elf staff, it stood just as tall as him and had an artificial crystal embedded with a light at the end.

He silently snuck back downstairs and into the kitchen to grab his mom’s keys. Kyle was successful in getting his costume without waking any members of his family but he was fruitless in finding the keys to his mom’s van. They weren’t hanging up on the normal hook and a quick glance to the surrounding counter had him coming up short a pair of keys. Cartman was definitely going to kill him now.

With his eyes downcast, he made his way back out to the front of his house where his friends were all sitting on his front steps playing with their phones. “Keys weren’t there.” He muttered, desperately avoiding eye contact with everyone. Stan was the only one who knew he had this full costume but he still couldn’t bring himself to look him in the eyes.

A snort forced its way out of Cartman before a full fit of laughter had him hunched over and gripping desperately at his side. “What the fuck is that dude? You have a whole ass larping costume. Dude that’s so fucking gay.”

He was the only one so amused by Kyle’s get up. Stan had seen the outfit in full before and Kenny snickered lightly but otherwise looked pretty impressed.

Once Cartman finally settled down, Stan gave Kyle a curious look. “What do you mean the keys weren’t there? Your mom always puts them in the same spot.”

“Well she didn’t today, so now we don’t have a car. Anyone else got any bright ideas?” Kyle huffed.

Kenny’s lips spread out into a smirk, his eyes lighting up. “I could always… you know… just _z_ _ap zap_ ,” he tapped his two index fingers together, “shouldn’t take more than a few minutes.”

Kyle stared Kenny down. “Absolutely fucking not. You’re not hot wiring my mom’s car! Yahweh, McCormick!” His crown tilted a bit as he got more heated. He hated literally everything about this.

“Well if I can’t finger some wires _how_ are we getting to Denver?” Kenny threw his hands up.

The group sat in silence for a long moment before Stan shook his head. “Goddamnit. I… I have an idea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I have ships tagged but I just wanna give a fair warning that this isn't going to be very shippy. It's mostly going to be a lot of background interactions between couples, nothing too big. I have full intentions of uploading a chapter a day which is why the chapters are so short. Our campaign is done so I have the full thing storyboarded, I just need to make the time daily to write some stuff out for it! Feel free to send any questions or anything you have to me on Tumblr @TwitchyDrugAddict.


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